Shine on

07:45 PM 6/3/2012

Two weeks ago I thought I had blood cancer. I spent many a night crying myself to sleep for fear of death. For fear of being reduced to nothingness, to be enclosed in darkness, to just feel empty. I wasn’t ready for death.

Then two nights ago, I found a fate that somehow seemed worse than death. It had plunged me into the deepest despair. One that can only be felt by someone who had believed with all her might and all her heart that she was going to achieve something. Coupled with the fervent support of everyone around her that it was sealed by fate the road that she was supposed to walk through. But then only to realize that she was wrong. Everybody around her was wrong. And she lost all her purpose all together. All her wasted time. Everything just crumbled to pieces. And life became something of a dream. That maybe she just hadn’t woken up from a disturbing nightmare. Because you see, it just couldn’t be true. She was on top of the world. Everybody believed so that she couldn’t help to feel the same. She knows she was at the very top.
A lot of scenarios played through her head now of what she did wrong. Why she did this or that. She was fine! She was excellent! She was the king of everything! She had the world in her hands.

It’s just not fair now that it seemed God wanted her to move on as quickly as possible. Give her a day that she was supposed to be happy! No matter how she felt inside she just had to be happy! She had to look the part of a happy, caring person! She had to be she had to be she had to be.

Maybe death was better.

She thought she didn’t deserve this.

07:50 PM 6/1/2012

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